KIM... I WISH I'D KNOWN HER...
It's been just over 2 weeks since I paid my respects and condolences...
To Kim's family and friends, all I can offer is this:
----------------------------------------------------
I knew Kim as the younger sister of a good friend. And that's it...
Sure... I caught glimpses of her thru the years, and heard snipets of her travels abroad, but that was the extent of my knowledge. It's only after her passing that I found out what an amazing woman she'd grown up to be.
Kim joined the Peace Corps. I wish I'd known her...
I saw pictures of her in a foreign country, in foreign clothes, with foreign friends. I wish I'd known her...
I heard a story about Kim jumping into the middle of some breakdancers. I wish I'd known her...
I heard about her taking a bus trip just to see what's out there. I wish I'd known her...
Through her pictures, her friends, and her family, I got just a glimpse of this wonderful and giving person.
Up until two weeks ago, I had no idea how accomplished Kim was. I wish I did...
I wish I'd known her....
posted by ScregMan @ Monday, September 18, 2006
1 Comments:
At 10:45 PM, September 24, 2006,
Kilatzin said…
the weirdest thing about this whole mess is that there are definitely parts of kim's life that i myself wish i knew more of. it's like her life has all these little cracks and crevices that are only now having light shed on them.
all these people coming out of the blue telling me how much she meant to them. all these people i would have never met unless my sister passed away.
all these people calling her the "sister" they never had.
well, she actually WAS my sister. a little thought kept running through my head, an almost evil little thought . . . what if kim showed most of them only the good side? the best of her? i remember the good. i remember the bad. i remember the blacks and whites. i remember the grey areas. if she really were their sister, than i think she would have had a much different relationship with mos of them.
there are a certain few friends of Kim I would exempt from the above judgement, but it's a VERY small list.
i've been thinking about my relationship with my sister and here's one of the many conclusions I've come up with:
i know i could have been a better brother, but here's the thing . . . she could have been a better sister. our relationship is messy. our relationship is deep. there are reasons why things ended up the way they did. she wanted something i could no longer give her. in growing up and having a family, she felt like i abandoned her. for my part, i wanted her to mature emotionally, to accept the undeniable reality that she already was the strong, accomplished person she always wanted to be. she didn't have to prove a damned thing to anyone. least of all to me.
i don't have any regrets about the way i feel. i don't have any major regrets for my actions with her at the end. for better or ill, i couldn't have acted any other way.
but i do have regrets. i have regrets about not having the opportunity to hash things out, to come to some sort of reconciliation. the best i can do is working things out in my mind, or with her spirit, which really isn't the same thing as working it out with her in person . . . i don't care what your spiritual guru says. if you have something to say . . . say it . . . cuz death has a way of closing all doors on your ass.
our last real contact was a fight. but it was a good honest fight that got all our bad blood out in the open. it cleared the deck. it allowed for the possibility of rebuilding. but it couldn't have been done with her in Nigeria. It had to be done face-to-face. We never got that opportunity.
this has been the hardest time of my life. i know i'm not alone in missing Kim, but i can't help but feel alone in this. my feelings are different from my parents. my feelings are different from my brother. we share the same grief, but in such different flavors, that it individually feels like ours and ours alone.
it's like those deep and overwhelming depressions i read about in clinical journals. No one can really say anything to help you. oh sure, there are kind words or actions to make you smile or cry for a brief moment, but that overwhelming feeling of loss returns.
yes, we know it takes time. yes, we know we'll never get over it, but we'll get through it eventually. but even writing it down feels glib to me.
yes, we know there are others out there suffering the same losses. yes, we know there are more catastrophic tragedies. but currently, our perception is an semi-opaque wall . . . we see the shadows, the shapes and forms of the outside world, but at best, it's an indistinct image. too hard to grasp fully. we stare and stare, but ultimately, we can't see beyond our own predicament.
Post a Comment
<< Home