RONIN'S RECTAL - THE PHYSICAL: PART II

WARNING: DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THIS BLOG...YADA YADA YADA... BLAH BLAH BLAH... [Look at the title. Need I say more?]

On Wednesday, August 23, 2006, sometime between 8:00am - 8:30am, the ScregMan went thru his first rectal...

Anti-climatic, isn't it? No build-up, no foreplay, no beating around the bush, no dancing around the fire. Let's just cut right to the chase. But I look at this way. If you women out there can go through various examinations of your privates with your legs wide open (brazillian waxes included), then I suppose 10-15 seconds of utter discomfort can be endured by the male, especially when health is involved.

You want details? I really can't describe it. I'm at a loss for words. Needless to say it was an odd and unpleasant sensation. I don't think I was breathing. I think I was trembling slightly. What position was I in? HotFudge thought I'd be lying on my side. I thought I'd be bent over the exam bed, supported by my elbows, with my head up. Not quite. Yes, I was bent over, but I was instructed to put my forehead on the bed and spread my bum with my hands. [I'm sure there are various variations of the rectal examination out there.] How degrading. How humiliating.

Was the doctor man or woman? The doctor was a she. Did that make a difference with the embarrassment factor? Did it make the experience more "bearable"? I really don't know. But if I had to answer, perhaps the answer would be a very, very, very, very reluctant "yyyyyeeeeeeessssss". Looking at the situation from a purely logical standpoint, I'd have to ask: "If I MUST have a rectal, do I want a man's finger up my bum?" The answer is a definite "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" So what's left? A female doctor.

I admitted it was my first rectal. She assured me that it takes only about 10 seconds [10 looooooooooong seconds]. She told me she would use a lubricant. She told me what she would do: check the 'ole prostrate, etc., etc. When it was over, she non-chalantly pointed to some napkins and said: "There're some napkins you can use to clean yourself up with."
I think I was panting ever so slightly. Did I mention I don't remember breathing during the "procedure"? And even though I knew my bowels were clean and empty, I had the slightest urge to take a dump.

It seems that feeling of being "violated" stayed with me for a couple of days before slowly subsiding.

If you're still with me, everything else seems fine except for the cholesterol. I have to give up the chicken skin and pork fat. My choice, right? I can listen to the doctor, or I can look forward to going on some pills when I'm about 50. The doctor also recommended some food workshops I could go to. A few days later, Mulysa explained the situation best to me when she placed both her hands approximately four feet apart on a table, her left hand symbolizing the beginning of my life, her right symbolizing the end of my life. Then she said: "It's all a matter of... Do you want your health to start declining here (she motioned more or less towards the center) or here (she motioned more towards the right, towards the end of my life)."

Part 2 of my physical was almost one month ago, and I must say I'm an utter failure in terms of my diet. I remember peeling the skin off some chicken during lunch one day and giving the skin to HotFudge. [HotFudge's cholesterol is excellent. Of course I was moaning and groaning and feeling a sense of loss.] But, I'm already back to my old ways. Will I give up chicken skin? Probably not. Pork fat. Maybe. I fall back on the old argument of: There are people starving out there... how dare I throw away some perfectly good chicken skin. Perhaps it's just going to be a really slow process for me. I am willing to give up french fries. Twice I've been to McDonald's, and only ordered a burger, no fries. Haven't had fried chicken in awhile either. I still can't stand the chicken breast. But I have been eating more oatmeal and more cholesterol reducing cereal.

Oh yeah, the doctor expected my lung capacity to be better than the tests showed since I'm into martial arts. Hmmmmmmmm... I wonder if the fact that I had almost no physical activity during 2005 makes a difference...

HotFudge had been on my ass for the longest time for me to get a physical, and I finally did it. I'm glad I'm in fairly decent shape, given that my life is approximately half over. It's kind of morbid to think in those terms, but it is true.

And so dear reader, whether you're into bacon or biking, chicken breasts or chips, processed or organic, I'd say getting a physical is a good thing. Find out where you stand. Funny thing, though. I kind of already knew what would be "wrong" with me. Perhaps all of us already kind of know what we need to work on. As Mulysa pointed out to me: "Do you want to spend the last 5 years of your life in bed, or the last 1-2?

Personally, I'm gunning for zero...