SCREGMAN SAYS...

THIS IS MY GAME... SUCKING THE MARROW FROM THE BONES OF LIFE... ONE BONE AT A TIME...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

MY HOME... IDEALLY...


[This blog was inspired by Thane of the Universe's "Flat Woe" series...]

I love my home. If I'm true to my declaration of being a "simple life form", then I've already got the "shelter" part (and then some) covered. I've got a home to go home to, and that's good enough for me. Of course, if I had a large chunk of money, I could have built a home to my own personal specifications. Alas, I do not have a big chunk of money. And my hopes of winning the lottery are nil since I don't even play. But if I could make some changes or even make some things standard in a home, this is what I would do...

The Bathroom
Okay... At a very basic level, the bathroom is where you shower or bathe, brush teeth, maybe change, put on make-up, comb the hair, and relieve yourself of things your body deems unnecessary for its survival. However, it is also a place where there's lots of moist things flying around: splashes from the sink, drippings from the shower, a combination of food particles, saliva, and toothpaste from your mouth, splashes from the toilet...

HotFudge and I do not have carpet in our bathrooms. However, we had to pay extra to get tile because it seems carpet is the standard. In our prior home, we paid extra to get vinyl. Why is carpet in the bathroom the standard? [If I had to guess, I'd say it's probably the cheapest thing for the builder.]

Carpet... Full-on carpet... Around the shower... Around the tub... Around the toilet... I don't get it. I will never understand the logic of carpet in the bathroom.

Carpet doesn't strike me as a kind of material that should get wet often. Does it feel good to step out of the shower (dripping wet) onto a carpet? Heck, just use a towel. Having no carpet in the bathroom as the standard would be a step in the right direction. What a bathroom really needs, though, is a drain built directly into the floor. A drain in the floor so that any water, spit, urine, food particles, or whatever have a place to go. I see floor drains in restaurant bathrooms. My aunt's bathroom in Australia had a floor drain. I thought that was really cool. What if your toilet were to overflow? I would rather have a flooded floor as opposed to a flooded carpet [YUCK!!!]. In fact, a floor drain could serve to "protect" any adjacent rooms from flooding. BUT NOOOOOOOOOOO... Instead, there's the carpet.

Another item that would be a nice standard would be the removable shower head. You know... that thing you can replace your shower head with so you can remove it, grasp it in your hand(s), and have greater control on how the water hits your body. I know you can go out and buy this and it's probably fairly easy to install, but why not just make it the standard?

TofU, I would like to get your commentary on the next item: the bidet. If you don't know what a bidet is, look it up. I'm not going to describe it or its application here. I've never tried it myself. It seemed to be a standard in Spain. [While in Spain, I joked with HotFudge about asking someone for a demonstration on how to use a bidet.] I do not see myself ever using one or wanting one.

Every Room... Audio
I love listening to music and audio books. Therefore, it would be ideal for me to have speakers built into all the walls of every room. Of course I'd have some kind of control room/panel centrally located to control the output. Do I want my music blaring throughout the home, or just in the kitchen? My set-up would include the ability to attach any player (CD, minidisc, IPOD, etc.).

Counter Productive Kitchen Counter...
I'd want a smooth counter top in the kitchen. I can't stand tiled countertops. Keeping that damned grout clean is a bitch. Even sealing the grout doesn't keep it completely clean. I just don't get it. What are the builders thinking when they give a tiled countertop? Haven't these people ever heard of "form follows function"?

The Two-Story Dilemma...
Thinking way ahead (or maybe not so far ahead anymore) a one-story home would be good. As the years roll by, my ability to run up and down stairs will slowly diminish. Eventually, I won't be able to climb stairs anymore. How sad is that?

Vault Your Ceiling...
No vaulted ceilings for me. An utter waste of space. Just an illusion, meant to put any visitors in awe because they have to look up? Sure, they can look up... at all that wasted space...


At least I do have a roof over my head, and that's enough for me...


posted by ScregMan @ Wednesday, November 16, 2005  

40 Comments:

  • At 10:53 PM, November 16, 2005, Blogger mikshir said…

    ok screg,

    RE: the bidets: i've only used the ones in istanbul. it's less of a separate bidet but rather a spout at the rear of the toilet seat. i love the bloody thing. if it were readily available here i'd install one wherever i live. makes me feel clean. can wipe after with paper to dry. and i won't deny there's a certain visceral pleasure to it. tell me, if your hands were covered in shite, would you be satisfied with just wiping with napkins? NO. you'd demand water. i think that they believe we are the ones less civilized for not using a hygenically sensible solution to the waste problem.

    RE: bathrooms. in both japan and amsterdam i've encountered bathrooms that were more compete sealed rooms, no shower stall, just nosel and a drain in the floor. everything gets wet, well, a good portion. makes more sense to me. just an open room, a tub on the side for soaking, douse everything with cleaner and let it all drain. it just makes sense.

    RE: carpets in the bathroom: blimey how do you clean the stains that eventually appear around the toilet or the edge of the tub. carpeting is just a cheap solution, it shouldn't be there. and yes, there NEEDS to be a floor drain.

    RE: detachable showerheads: absolutely. first thing i do in a new apartment is install one. not only does it aid in self spot-cleaning, it aids in cleaning the tub, shower walls, etc. get with the program people!!

    tiles: better than vinyl or laminate, but i detest cleaning grout. so not sure what the better solution is aside from a kind of marble.

    hmm i may need to post a followup sometime.

     

  • At 11:00 PM, November 16, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    RE: The Bathroom

    Agree wholeheartedly. To follow a line of thinking I spouted earlier . . . maybe the reason behind the bathroom floor having no drain, yet wall to wall carpet is it's sexiness.

    Having a drain, though practical, does lead one's mind to restaurant/gas station bathrooms, which don't exactly have the best reputation for cleanliness. When I go to a public restroom and see a drain, I immediately think "hey, if there's a drain here, it must be for some damned good reason, like maybe toilets overflow here all the time or this must be a real pigsty." I don't want to think that when i go to my own bathroom.

    Carpet could be an aesthetic assault against the sheer messy reality of a bathroom. Not a well thought assault, but an attempt to mask a bathroom's real purpose. much like how i inject the term "suck balls" whenever i don't have anything worthwhile to say.

    RE: Every room audio.

    In my wildest dreams, wifey would let me listen to my music unfettered in every room. silence is golden in my household, especially with baby. instead of opening up my space to my music, i close off myself through the headphones of my ipod. my neighbor proudly displayed his central audio setup which even pipes music to his backyard patio.

    RE: Counter Productive Kitchen Counter

    Dude, spend the extra money and get granite or silstone or whatever. Just do it. Trust me that tile is gonna crack on you sooner or later. And it won't be pretty. Also, the only way around the grout issue is to color it. My parents have done that with both kitchen counter and floor. I think it's a somewhat adequate solution, if you're stuck on living with tile.

    RE: The Two-Story Dilemma

    As a kid I loved having 2 stories. The stairs was a constant source of entertainment. Now as an adult, stairs are the scariest damn thing in the world. I would see my nephews and niece scoot downstairs and cringe in fear, hoping they won't fall.

    Now that my parents are getting up there in age, they're even thinking about treating the second floor as an attic of sorts and do most of their living downstairs (installing a full bath and bedroom). Seems an incredible waste of space, but they spent a good 2 and a half decades paying off their house, and they definitely don't want to move to a smaller place.

    RE: Vaulted ceilings

    don't agree with you. The vaulted ceiling does add a feeling of space, especially in a one story house. You're only losing attic space, which in California is a 3 foot high receptacle for fiberglass insulation anyways. going to my neighbors' houses with the non-vaulted ceilings, i noticed how much more cramped everything seemed in their houses. Yes, it's an illusion, but it sure is a damned powerful one.

    There are drawbacks of course. My builder decided the best place to put a fire alarm was at the apex (highest point) of our vaulted ceiling. don't know how i'm gonna change batteries on that sucker. my ladder doesn't extend that far.

     

  • At 11:09 PM, November 16, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    RE:bidets.

    Whenever I read or listen to a wholehearted endorsement of the bidet's usefullness, what I'm really hearing is how much that person loves the sensation of water being squirted up his or her ass.

    I kid. I kid.

    Not that I wouldn't mind having that water up the ass sensation as a regular experience myself. Maybe as an American, we're just naturally squeamish towards things being shot up our asses. Maybe it's because we've got a huge stick stuck up there, and no amount of sprayed water will dislodge it.

    Since we're on this subject, as a compromise between the bidet lovers and the bidet haters, how about just using wet wipes? you know, baby wipes? or maybe a converted water pic? Something handheld, like your cherished detachable shower head. Maybe having it detachable will satisfy any control issues we Americans might have against having water shot up our ass.

     

  • At 3:45 PM, November 17, 2005, Blogger mikshir said…

    You say the bidet lover "loves the sensation of water being squirted up his or her ass" like it was a bad thing. In this case, I say allow people their pleasures. The pleasure resides not only in the actual sensation but also from the satisfaction of an arse well cleaned and some minor pride in not wasting handfuls of paper from wiping over and over until it wipes off white. (you do check don't you?) Given the choice of knowing, if even subconsciously, that I carry a thin layer of shite residue between my cheeks... versus walking about stress free and comfortable in the knowledge that there'll be no skidmarks on my underwear tonight... well... it is worth a little possible cultural embarrassment to choose the latter. plus how many things can you claim to be more practical, efficient, and pleasurable at the same time?

    Related note: I do not necessarily like what I've seen of the separate stool bidets with the fountain that shoots up. I don't like the idea of having to switch seats with my ass agape. Also, those I believe are more of a feminine hygiene type of device. The ass spout on the Turkish toilets however are perfectly well suited and efficient.

    Wet-wipes are a stop-gap solution, tabo made convenient. I keep a pack stationed on my tank for those special moments when I'd like a little extra clean. However, I'm fearful of using them at times because they increase the risk of toilet clog, especially in older areas with older plumbing or where the builders decided to be cheap or where the tank doesn't hold much water. On a milder note, it's also a material waste with cost compared to a water-spout solution... ignoring the debate for now on which of tap water and paper is the bigger sin to waste.

     

  • At 3:53 PM, November 17, 2005, Blogger mikshir said…

    I should report a clarification... the Turkish toilets of which I speak only seem to be in the nicer places like decent hotels, decent restaurants, sometimes convention areas, and such. In most or at least many places, toilets are holes in the ground you squat over. (I've seen them in Italy and Japan too.) One of them had a faucet and cup for you to do your cleansing manually (left hand please). Still as far as cleaning goes: water > paper.

     

  • At 4:18 PM, November 17, 2005, Blogger mikshir said…

    Oh, did I mention that the waterspout method is also healthier in that it does not agitate the sensitive skin like aggressive wiping does, thus reducing risk of rash and hemorroids?

     

  • At 4:23 PM, November 17, 2005, Blogger Mulysa said…

    damn! you guys' comments are turning into mini essays... ok, here goes:

    re: vinyl & tile & wood (for bathroom, kitchen flooring)
    i do not believe in tile for flooring. what i mean is anything that comes in pieces and needs to be fited together. it can look really nice, but the grout lines (for tile) are a bitch to clean, and when you sweep the dirt always collects in the grooves, and yes, you're right, not even sealant (which, btw, is expensive and time consuming to apply) does not keep the grout super clean. one of my more curious kids once took a red crayon and traced the grout lines in my living room and it took forever to scrub out with a toothbrush. i love vinyl in bathrooms and kitchens! not laminate tiles, but a single sheet of vinyl that covers the whole floor. no joints to clean, period. i love it. the only drawback to having a full sheet of vinly is that if there is serious damage to it, the whole thing has to be replaced. which is why one should get the higher end stuff.. the thing that's not good about having anything on your bathroom or kitchen floors that have any kind of joints, such as tile or even laminate tiles, is that the joints make it possible for water damage to occur. yes, even with tile, because the grout lines are basically made out concrete, which is pretty porous. and most rooms aren't truly square, so if you don't get a proper installation, it doesn't look even (i've seen some pretty bad jobs, but wth, you get what you p[ay for.). and foundations of houses shift, so over time you get more separation between the tiles (whichever kind).

    re: removable showerhead
    i love removable showerheads. still have to get one for my new place. they are so good for getting in the places that you just can't reach without turning yourself upside down.. and they're good for the little ones during bath/shower time. removable shower heads make the best bubbles in the tub! a dear friend of mine is insisting on me getting a specific brand/model of showerhead for reasons i probably shouldn't specify... all i can say is that she insists it's "the BOMB!!!!"

    re: carpet in the bathrooms
    an absolute insult to anyone who'd ever want to keep their bathroom clean. a certain person's mom has carpet in the bathrooms, and i gotta tell ya, i used to trip out on the amount of potential crap that was in the carpet. main reason why i never said anything about it was because i knew i'd probably be the one to rip out the carpet and replace it with vinyl...

    re: the bidet
    i really like the idea of the bidet, but only if the toilet is kept really clean. if you look under the rims of most toilets, you'll sometimes see a mold-like growth going on, and it'd be gross to have water shooting up my... self from that kind of source. i am a regular baby wipes user, and encourage the monkeys to be as well. makes life a little cleaner.

    re: music
    i'd love to have music in every room, but only if i could control the music flow into the rooms easily. sometimes i want to listen to music while i'm cooking in the kitchen, but the gang is watching tv in the living room, or reading, or sleeping.

    re: countertops:
    i really like tile in an artistic sort of way, but loathe it for flooring and countertops. i have always wanted to take on art projects that i don't have the time for, but in my dream house would want formica or granite. preferrably granite because it's simply nicer, but realistically, formica because i have a gaggle of children, and will probably have a flock of grandchildren one of these decades, and it would be such a disappointment to get chips or whatever damages in my granite countertops.. so, decent heavy duty formica for me on countertops

    re: 2 stories
    i go back and forth on this subject, because i like the idea of having the additional space of a second story, but also would really like a big ass one story house so i don't have to climb stairs if i live to be old. and hsuling as much laundry i sometimes have to can be a drag. fortunately for me my boys are really good at helping with the laundry.
    yeah. climbing stairs sucks. especially when you're really drunk or tired. especially when you go upstairs for something, realize you forgot it downstairs, and then go downstairs to get it, get it, and then go upstairs and basically go through the whole process throughout the day. this all, of course is coming from a woman who stays home during the day and had to make numerous trips daily up and down stairs. you know what? screw that! one story for me. the very memories are making me cringe...

    re: vaulted ceilings.
    space is never really wasted. it takes on whatever importance you give it. on one hand i see what you mean, screg, about it being a waste, but if it pleasing to the eye, and makes one feel that much more in love with their home, more power to 'em..

    btw, clark. i have a 25 ft ladder if you ever need to change your smoke detector batteries, but it should be wired to the house so you'll never have to change them..

    oh, and p.s.s.
    having water squirted up one's ass feels pretty damn good...
    don't knock it 'til you've tried it, as apparently totu has.. ;)

     

  • At 9:52 PM, November 17, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    RE: bidet

    I guess my first bidet comment must have really made an impression, cuz no one paid attention to the comment following, which was:

    >Not that I wouldn't mind having that water up the ass sensation as a regular experience myself. Maybe as an American, we're just naturally squeamish towards things being shot up our asses.

    I never said, "no way in hell are you gonna shoot water up my butt." I never said it was a bad thing. I was just commenting on the initial squeamishness of the action. Also read the comment I made after that following comment.

    >Maybe it's because we've got a huge stick stuck up there, and no amount of sprayed water will dislodge it.

    I never said, "you europeans and the people that love you are crazy for getting water shot up your asses." I'm chiding my American cultural ideas about squirting. Water does make sense.

    However, when you're extolling the health and cleanliness virtues of water, i can't help but wonder if the bidet practice might be an overkill? at the end of the day, shit comes out of the ass and will always come out of the ass. shit will always be in the equation. you kinda have to allow for that.

    Let's bring in female genitalia and sanitary practices, cuz I don't know, maybe I'm a perv or something. I mean does every woman douche? From the little that i understand, douching destroys the natural chemical balance that keeps the female stuff relatively germ free. Sure, it'll smell better, but is it actually better for you in the long run?

    Shit's gonna come out one way or the other. Maybe a colostomy bag is more sanitary way to deal with waste disposal, but would it be better? I guess I'm comfortable with the wet wipes solution.

    Maybe bideting is the equivalent of using an AK-47 for deer hunting. Sure you can do it, but might it be a little overkill?

    however, if someone is going to be licking or doing something equally special to my ass, then water is definitely the way to go. Wifey's gay friend always pays special attention to that area before a date.

     

  • At 9:57 PM, November 17, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    RE: Tile floor

    Again let me state a possible solution: DARK COLORED grout!!!! my parents use it and it doesn't look half bad.

    RE: tile counterspace

    Formica doesn't chip, but how heat resistant is it? We looked at using silstone as an option, but there's a danger of warping when placing a hot pan on top of it. (i know the likelihood of that happening isn't that great, but it's not out of the realm of impossibility.)

    and thank you mulysa, for the offer of the 25 ft. ladder. if i lived in south bay, i probably would have taken you up on it.

     

  • At 10:36 PM, November 17, 2005, Blogger mikshir said…

    ok perhaps i overreacted on the bidet defense. my apologies. i however don't think it's overkill. in days of yore, when ass paper wasn't the norm or easy to come by, i imagine that water was the prefered method of cleansing. and it still is in that region of the world we call the cradle of civilization and the surrounding regions. i think as americans, the prudishness of paying attention specifically to that part of the body is a squeemish notion. but even then water still is internally the preferred solution though we don't think of it since showering or bathing doesn't focus solely on that.

    as for the other points of house desires, i am still in general agreement on the opinion on tiles. i prefer the open space vaulted ceiling for the effect. one of the few cases were i'll choose form over function.

     

  • At 8:08 AM, November 18, 2005, Blogger Mulysa said…

    ya know, now that i think about it, i'm not too crazy about vaulted ceilings in particular... i like high ceilings with big, dark wood beams running across..

    kinda like in cabin retreats in the mountains. that'd be my dream home. nice big house (one story!) with lots of yard space so i could have a garden, and a great room for everyone to gather in. open kitchen with a 6 burner stove..

    a walk-in (and i do mean walk-in) pantry. some of the pantries i've seen are a joke. i want a pantry that's pretty much a small room. and have space for a freezer. i love freezing things! meals, breads, people on my shit list... mmmm... homemade ice cream!

    i want a yard with a big strong tree in the middle so i could build a tree house in it. definitely not eucalyptus. maybe oak? not pine either. too many needles. and i'd have an apple tree in the yard. oooh! and grow raspberry and blackberry bushes along the sides of the house! my grandmother's raspberries are sooo good. i love gardens. i'm gonna grow up and be a crazy old lady obsessed with her garden.

    ah, yes. back to the subject...
    clark: on female hygiene.. i don't douche for the very reasons you mentioned, and in a way, you're right. in the end, shit comes out. i think it's ok not to squirt h2o up one's ass, but to occassionally get like maybe an enema or take a bunch of laxatives to flush out the system. i like to keep my bung hole really clean, and i figure, you never know, this might be my lucky day, i might get some rim action! one must always be prepared...

    that's the real reason why i keep wipes in my purse.

     

  • At 8:44 AM, November 18, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    mulysa,

    now you're making me want to view the contents of your purse!!!!!

    yes, we all agree that we need to be clean down there, but the differences seem to reside in the diligence or the vigilence, for that matter.

     

  • At 9:13 AM, November 18, 2005, Blogger Mulysa said…

    ask and ye shall receive...

    in my purse i hath:
    1 pad
    1 tampon
    wipes (naturally)
    3 different lipsticks which i hardly wear.
    21 cents
    my moleskine
    2 pens
    my ipod (but of course!)
    a credit card bill i need to shred because it has some rather embarrassing purchases on it...
    the gate pass to my mom's complex. (she gave it to me so she doesn't have to walk to the front and let me in)
    wallet
    business cards i've been accumulating
    a mini moleskine i use for making lists (thanks again, m!)
    keys (and on a sublist, on my keys i have :3 chongos (hair ties), nail clippers, a whistle, pics of my monkeys)
    3 taco bell hot sauce packets
    gum wrappers
    wad of receipts
    4 crayons
    3 baseball cards
    advil
    1 spoon

    and a partridge in a pear tree!!!!

    i love that song...

     

  • At 10:29 AM, November 18, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    yikes. i return from vegas and there's all this talk about bidets. I've never used one, but it seems that it wouldn't really shoot water IN your butt, more like cleanse around the opening, which sounds appealing. I'm also a wipes person Perhaps not ecologically sound, but, since I'm a woman, I only use about 1 a day. BTW tofu, hemmeroids are ususlly caused by straining due to excessively large stools. So please people, when mother nature calls, answer. If you haven't gone in a while, take a stool softener. Your anal blood vessels will thank you. I will thank you.

    Re: carpet in the bathroom. For a small bathroom I prefer vinyl sheeting. For the master bath, I really enjoy a carpeted vanity area and a vinyled water closet. For those carpeted toilet areas, prehaps we can invent a collar that encircles the toilet to catch any...exhuberance...

    Re: hand held shower heads. A must have. I understand that it would be preferable to have some of these features standard, but i don't want to pay the markup. Somethings are worth paying extra for in the "building" phase; extra outlets, a phone jack in EVERY room (ahem, shogun?), rolling garage door, upgraded insulation, dual pane windows, etc. But, the the smaller things I can handle, and for much less mula.

    Re: vaulted ceilings. I used to want one. I now prefer higher ceilings. Costs less to heat/cool the space, hate the idea of all that warm air sitting uo there i the winter. However, we have fairly low ceilings and in the winter, it feels soo cozy with the fireplace going, candles lit, watching a movie.

    Re: smooth counter tops. Gotta give granite a two thumbs up, waaaaaaaaay up. It's pricier but sooo worth it. It's smooth, sexy and durable. It's less porous than marble and it's more heat resistent than corian. It's really nice to pull something out of the oven and set it on the counter. I still feel the need to put a potholder down but you don't have to. Shogun said that it didn't seem right, that it seemed like the counter would get damaged from having hot pots on it. I reminded him that the counter top was a rock. Literally.

    Gotta go with emilf on the walk in pantry. Just do damn convenient. plus, makes a excellent hiding place.

    Windows...I have a love/hate relationship with them. I love that the back of out house is essentially a wall of windows, but cleaning them sucks. At least I think it would suck...if I actually ever cleaned them :) Lots of windows...gooood...no wait...baaaad....no wait....gooood...aghghghghg

    Of course I couldn't let the subject of female genetalia go without comment. A healthy vagina is a self cleaning wonder. It generally is bacteria free, unlike feces. My point being, cleaning one's anus is hygenic because it is a bacteria laden environment, but the vagina is not. Also, it probably isn't recomended to clean up into the anal canal, just the opening. No need to snake the pipes.

    Also, tofu, i agree that if i got shite on my hands I would feel compelled to wash them, not just wipe them with paper. However, I also eat with my hands, touch my face with them, stick my fingers up my nose, etc. I am not talented enough to do much with my butt, soooo, wiping is generally good enough. If I'm home, wipes are dandy.

     

  • At 2:32 PM, November 18, 2005, Blogger mikshir said…

    windows: ok, that's something i've had on my list for a long time but slipped my mind on this whole list. i h8 h8 h8 these windows we have here that slide up. they always get stuck or don't fully close and they're very difficult to clean, especially above the ground floor. i understand that they're well suited for window mount air conditioners but i'm sure there's an alternative somewhere. the windows i like are these ones i saw/used in germany. they open both horizontally like a door AND recessed depending on how you turn the handle. they of course are double paned. very smart design. i'm going to pay extra and get them installed in my own place someday.

    point taken about hands. but even still, if shite smears were on another less orifice-contacting body part, say, a knee, i think i'd still wish for at least a wet nappy to wipe it off.

    re: carpets. i agree, LS, for wide vanity bathrooms I can see some comfort in it. Usually in those types, or at least the big ones, the toilet at least has it's own closet which should NOT be carpeted. my mother's master BR is like this. hers also has a fully enclosed shower stall, which also makes it less of an issue. so whether or not there is carpet in the bathroom, the real point is, no carpet around the various water basins is key.

     

  • At 6:26 PM, November 20, 2005, Blogger ScregMan said…

    I'm almost tempted to create a new blog just on the whole bidet debate, but for the sake of continuity, I'll continue in the comment section.

    It took me awhile to get the correct spelling of bidet . I did numerous searches on Google with various "guess spellings" of bidet (beday, baday, behday, biday...). Finally got the spelling correct. Ran across a contraption that fitted onto your existing toilet. It looked like a semi-circular thin pipe that would run along the inside rim of the toilet. You use a lever to angle the pipe underneath your arse. It had an animated demo [with nobody on the toilet, of course]).

    Everybody has made excellent points. I suppose we could go back and forth "ad nauseam" regarding bidets, the pros and cons, paper vs water, logic and reason vs social mores...

    But from a purely logical and reasonable standpoint, TofU hits it on the nose. If I had fecal matter (cat, dog, human, fish, shrimp, any kind of fecal matter) on any part of my body, I would not be happy with paper towels, I would DEMAND water. So, it stands to reason I should DEMAND the same for my arse. Otherwise, the argument sounds like: I would demand water for any part of my body but my arse. Does that make any sense? Heck, I think I've stepped in dog shite 2-3x in my life. Did I use towels? Of course not. I used water. But the crazy thing is, I still wanted to just throw away the shoes.

    I must know, TofU..., did you jump right in the first time around? Or were you just a little apprehensive at this new experience?

    So, am I now open to the possibility? Am I willing to give it a try? There is no logical reason for me to be squeamish... and yet... I still am...

     

  • At 7:07 AM, November 21, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    uh screg, NO. see bottom line for me is IT'S YOUR ASS. poo poo comes out of your ass. to ask for the orifice that poo poo comes out of to NEVER have poo poo on it is kinda like asking the sun never to have sunlight.

    that's not to say that you shouldn't keep your ass as clean as possible. but to deny the raison d'etre (spelling?) of the ass, is to deny the reality of the ass. keep it clean as you can, but with the understanding that sometimes the poo poo might get away from you.

    i change my son's diaper everyday. as a consequence, i've sometimes touched his poo poo. i've done my best to wash and clean his ass, but you have to understand, no matter how hard i try to clean his butt, the poo poo will still come. at some point you will have to become ok with your poo poo. It's your poo poo for chrissakes . . . own it. don't deny it.

     

  • At 8:03 AM, November 21, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    hear hear Ken my dear man. excellent point. I couldn't seem to get my head around why I was so comfortable with the thought of wiping with paper only. Why I wasn't compelled to wash every time my bowel moved. We're talking imperceptable smears, traces of feces that might be left behind, in a relatively sealed off space.

    If only we were so compuslive about cleaning our mouths after taking in the flesh of animals and cleansing the growing bacterial fields that grow in our underarms. How many of us do not brush during the work day but allow the flesh we've eaten to rot between our teeth. How many of us wipre down our underarms and reapply deoderant/antiperspirant during the day. These are things that gross me out about myself during the day, not a trace of poo hidden deep in the folds of my anus.

     

  • At 10:19 AM, November 21, 2005, Blogger Mulysa said…

    ya know, as long as we're talking about poo poo and it's yuckiness, i would love to get the input of people who drink their urine, or porn stars who go ass to mouth...

    if/when i step on dog poop, i most of the time just throw away the shoes. the very thought of animal dookey iions on my shoes, going to my floor, couch, etc. makes me wanna gag. odd though, i have been in numerous, and i do mean numerous situations where i've had kiddie kaka on my hands, in a place where only wipes will do. and i just cleaned up the best i could and moved on. so, i guess wipes being that they are paper AND water are the best option. the thing about the bidet idea i don't like, is that unles i could get a good scrub in, i'd still feel like it's not really clean, just rinsed...
    i have to say, it really sucks when you've got shite under your fingernails... seems like nothin, and i mean nothin will get it out...
    ewww!! and i really hate it when some really colorful poop gets on your skin, and even when you wash it off, the color stays. now that's super gross...

     

  • At 10:23 AM, November 21, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    thank you for the backup linesteppa, much appreciated. and it's also nice to know i'm not the only one with more than one fold in my anus!!!

    but we must keep anonymity here!!!!!

    It's Kilatzin, or Clark, or superman, or even micheal jackson, but never my real name.

    now the thought police will come and stomp out of exsistence!!!!!!

     

  • At 10:25 AM, November 21, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    oh mulysa, testify about the poo poo on the hands. Once, I got some on my hand and immediately threw it against the wall. it caused a putrid, decayed stain that took MUCHO arm strength and ajax to cleanse. MUCHO MUY MUCHO.

     

  • At 10:44 AM, November 21, 2005, Blogger Mulysa said…

    lmao!!!

    i've got kaka-danger (that's pronounced dang-er, like oh, dang, it's kaka!!) stories that'll make your head spin..

    my firstborn was but a wee babe, maybe a month old, still full nursing, so the poop was real liquidy and bright orange, and i was changing his diaper... he looked uup at me sitting on the bed and gave me the sweetest smile, then proceeded to bear down with all his might and shot, and i do mean shot, me with baby poop! we barely made it to the shower without dropping anything and jumped in with all out clothes on. my shirt was so stained, i tossed it.

    sigh, the good ole days...

    don't get me started on vomit stories...

     

  • At 11:45 AM, November 21, 2005, Blogger mikshir said…

    i admire your guys' defense of the paper cleaning method. i too use this method. we have all become desensitized to the shite residue collecting in the gluteous folds. he've had a lifetime of practice trying to ignore the fouler necessities of life.

    however... i do believe that once you've partook in the ways of the spout nozzle, you too will agree it is a trivial adjustment that is superior in function and form.

    screg: my first experience was in an istanbul hotel. i found it curious seeing the unobtrusive nozzle there at the rear of the seat. the reason i tried was that it was there and was simply a matter of turning a little knob (nicely done since it allows full control of water pressure). i basically said to myself "ah what the heck, let's give it a go". i was surprized. any apprehension, anxiety, and emotional discomfort disappeared almost instantly. i think they're on to something here. very soon i mastered the art of arse adjustment and wiggling to make sure i had reasonably thorough coverage. so the short answer, i used it because it was available. i won't do that with just anything, but it seemed harmless enough.

    note: this is the only type i've used. no separate bowl, no protruding/retracting spray bar, no levers to adjust and guide the spray nozzle. it is just this simple and effective add-in of which I speak and promote. however, i am open to trying one of the others.

     

  • At 7:48 AM, November 22, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    i must say it's good to know that something like a bidet can inspire 23 detailed and long ass posts!!!!

     

  • At 9:01 AM, November 22, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ahhhhhhhh! somebody shoot a full-power stream of water into my brain to clean away the image of TofU standing, kness bent, ass facing a stream of water, shifting his weight to and fro, up and down, in a brave effort to cleanse any traces of fecal matter from his delicate pucker.

     

  • At 11:00 AM, November 22, 2005, Blogger Mulysa said…

    i really can't think of anything to say to that, i'm laughing so hard...

    we all have to get together and pitch in for a bidet so that totu can demonstrate for us that wiggling motion! lmao just thinking imagining it.

    totu: if we ever go traveling again, you'd better be careful of using a bidet should we come across one - i might try to take some pics... :)

     

  • At 12:02 PM, November 22, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    Mulysa,

    that sounds like a very good idea. I'll will start the contribution. I've got twenty bucks on me that wants to be spent to fulfill the realization of linesteppa's image.

    Twenty bucks to start!!!

    Who's with me???

     

  • At 12:25 PM, November 22, 2005, Blogger Mulysa said…

    ha! i'm planning on moving back into one of my properties next year...

    the cool thing about owning your own place is that you can tear it up and not have to answer to anyone, so long as it's legal.

    that's it! i'll change out the upstairs toilet for a bidet, and install a hidden camera...

    damn, i could probably make buku bucks selling footage on funniest vidoes...

    i'll put 25 in the kitty..

     

  • At 12:55 PM, November 22, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    mikshir,

    I'm taking this quote out of context, so if I'm crossing the line, then please let me know and I'll gladly take it down. Strike it from the record, if you will.

    But I can't resist. Here's the quote from one of his earlier comments.


    **************
    i basically said to myself "ah what the heck, let's give it a go". i was surprized. any apprehension, anxiety, and emotional discomfort disappeared almost instantly. i think they're on to something here. very soon i mastered the art of arse adjustment and wiggling to make sure i had reasonably thorough coverage.

    ***************

    now, are you sure we're talking about bidets here? I think I read something like this on Penthouse forum!!!!

     

  • At 2:12 PM, November 22, 2005, Blogger mikshir said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     

  • At 2:15 PM, November 22, 2005, Blogger mikshir said…

    ho ho!

    just to clarify... the one i used required no hanging of the arse in the air. (that of course would be much to messy with spray.) at all times is the area surrounding my rear ensconsed upon the toilet seat. it merely requires slight positional shifts to guarantee adequate and complete spray coverage of the crevise. perhaps I will construct a series of diagrams to explicitly show you the device in question.

    oh, and no pictures or video allowed. however, i am willing to give live demonstration if there are enough attendees and interest.

    i will also contribute to the installation. would love to have one. or should we put it in mul's next abode so that all of you can at least experience the joys and fulfillment of a well designed comode?

    kil: i used an assumed name in that Penthouse post.

     

  • At 2:37 PM, November 22, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    Is this actually becoming a reality?

    YEESSS!!! YESSSS!!!!

    Omigod, this will be one of the greatest epic events of all time.

    LIVE!!! ONE NIGHT ONLY!!!!

    MIKSHIR performing his exclusive one man show . . .

    "A MAN AND HIS BIDET: a first encounter"

    Let's do this people!!!!! Let's do this!!!!!

     

  • At 2:38 PM, November 22, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    And when will we see those diagrams? Will these be created in AUTO CAD?

     

  • At 4:02 PM, November 22, 2005, Blogger Mulysa said…

    totu:
    you can give seminars on the subject!! i would gladly pay for such a sight! repeatedly!

    i like the idea of hanging the arse in the air idea. hey! maybe that's the ultimate purpose for the drain in the middle of the floor!

     

  • At 4:03 PM, November 22, 2005, Blogger Mulysa said…

    oh,and clark, check your email for an evite i sent you...

     

  • At 4:35 PM, November 22, 2005, Blogger mikshir said…

    make sure to buy me lots of carne asade burritos. must load the cannon properly. makes for a better before-and-after demo. might even have to do it twice to truly grasp the difference in sight and smell (you may have to place your face quite close) between the paper method and the water method.

    it occurs to me that the audience's manual rubbing of the demonstrated area may also be necessary to feel the difference in greasiness and/or chalkiness.

     

  • At 4:41 PM, November 22, 2005, Blogger ScregMan said…

    Ah, TofU...

    On a purely logical level, I absolutely support your stance. Your presentation has been well thought-out and eloquent. And you speak from primary knowledge and experience, not secondary. Who could ask for more in a persuasive argument? Your material is good enough to be used in a Speech class. A persuasive speech extolling the pros of the bidet. Perhaps you could even break-down some cultural barriers.

    I must know another thing, though. After you're done bidet-ing, is regular toilet paper enough to dry yourself off. Whenever I've seen a towel next to a bidet, it has kind of grossed me out. I can't imagine wiping myself down there with a towel and then replacing that same towel on the rack. And is that towel a "community towel"? ICK... And if you use toilet paper, do the first few strokes leave the toilet paper drenched?

    Regardless, Ronin stands by you in the spirit of the argument (but is still hesitant...)

     

  • At 7:19 PM, November 22, 2005, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ronin, you seem quite hesistent to engage in the pleasures of anal cleansing, yet quite intrigued. I will lend you my "shower massage" and you can take a test drive. Perhaps not the same, perhaps more enjoyable. You can vary heat, size and number of jet streams, pulsation. Hmmm...I'm feeling quite dirty....must take a lengthy, thorough shower...

     

  • At 12:53 AM, November 23, 2005, Blogger Mulysa said…

    speaking of "community towels", i think those towel machines that have a cloth towel rolled up in them and you have to pull on them to get a dry patch of towel to wipe your hands off with are absolutely disgusting. health hazards..

    ok, ronin:
    re: "regular toilet paper enough to dry yourself off."
    i think regular toilet paper is suficient, but one must be very careful and not "over dry" one's bung. i have too much experience in that department - if you overpat your ass, the tp will get stuck to your moist folds and now you got dingleberries...

    oh, and in case anyone is wondering what the hell i'm doing up so late, i'm "studying"!!

     

  • At 7:08 AM, November 23, 2005, Blogger Kilatzin said…

    mikshir said:
    ********************
    it occurs to me that the audience's manual rubbing of the demonstrated area may also be necessary to feel the difference in greasiness and/or chalkiness.
    *******************

    as long as i don't have to taste anything.

    Also, screg. yes, mikshir has a fine logical argument. but i have the "it's your poo poo. own it" argument. poo. poo.

    poo. poo.

    and mulysa, thank you very much for your wonderful invite. always love being invited. we'll be coming home on friday from thanksgiving in l.a. though. we will see each other one day. maybe even sooner than i will see mikshir or screg. someday.

     

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