IN OTHER NEWS...

An excerpt from an insignificant news story from an insignificant town in an insignificant city,... etc, etc.

Traffic was backed up for several miles yesterday afternoon after a minivan swerved and then rolled onto its side on the interchange between the 509 and 508 freeways. Police are still looking for the driver and one passenger. Witness accounts remain garbled and confused.

"Right before the van rolled, it looked like they were fighting over something. The dude in the passenger seat was grabbing for something,... maybe a cell phone or a lighter," said one witness. "Then the van skidded to the left and rolled over."

Apparently, both driver and passenger climbed out of the van without any injuries. The driver, a female, was dressed in farmer-john overalls with a bandana in her hair, and a cigarette in her mouth. The passenger, a male, was dressed in black sweats, a green t-shirt, and had a black sweatshirt wrapped around his waist.

"It was weird, man," said another witness. "They both climbed out, but they were still goin' at it. And that's when it got crazy... The dude pulls out this sword,... like a samurai warrior... Who the hell carries a sword around?... And the girl's just laughing... laughing... Then home-boy strikes a pose and starts swingin' that sword around... Looks like he was aimin' for the cigarette... but she's too quick for him. Turns out, she's got a lighter in one hand, and an IPOD in the other, and she's just blocking the blade of the sword with that little lighter and IPOD... Kinda like... y'know how Wonder Woman used to deflect bullets with those bracelets? Kinda like that... For some reason, his sword couldn't crack her lighter or IPOD. Lots of sparks flyin' everywhere... And she's just laughing and giggling the whole time..."

Other things overheard by witnesses between the two combatants:

"You know this is for your own good... Didn't you make a promise not to smoke in my presence?"

"I never promised that... I haven't had a smoke in 3 hours, 13 minutes, 37 seconds..."
"Is that in real time or your own special universe?"

"But, I'm moving... But, I just had 2 finals...."

"But Ronin, I'm on vacation,... But Ronin, I just got back from vacation,... But Ronin, I'm at work,... But Ronin, it's the last day of the year,... But Ronin, it's the new year,... But Ronin, I'm in school..."

"I told you if you hung around me, you could fill up your Moleskine... Tell HotFudge I love her for kickin' ass at my old place..."

Eye-witness accounts confirm that, giggling and laughing hysterically with her cigarette still in her mouth, the female ran away from the scene with the male in hot pursuit. All that was left in the minivan was a dolly and some plastic container covers.