JELLIED MOOSE NOSE

"Filler". This is what this blog is. This is something that Lotus suggested to me some months ago when I had not blogged in awhile. "You need filler," she told me. I've considered this for some time now. Although I do like to pontificate and write my own rants and raves and topics, sometimes they are far and in between. So in between time and in the meantime, what better way to fill the void than with even more trivial trivia.

So, since Ronin's Rectal is beginning to get "creepy" for Lotus, let this particular (lazy) blog serve as "filler". As for Ronin displaying his rack on the net for all to see, let's wait a few years for the sagging to kick in. Let's wait and see if Ronin's chest starts looking like breasts. [Or do they already?]

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In 1967, the Canadian government published a collection of backwoods recipes from native and non-native peoples in the nation's far north. It's now out-of-print, but here are a few highlights. And if ever you find a copy of The Northern Cookbook, grab it - it's a classic.

MUSKRAT TAILS - Cut off the tails and dip them into very hot water. Pull off the fur. Either cook them on top of the stove, turning them after a few minutes, or boil them. (This is the same method as for beaver tails. Both are very sticky to eat.)

STUFFED MUSKRAT - Clean the rats well and put them in a roaster with bread stuffing on top. Roast until the muskrats are soft.

BOILED PORCUPINE - Make a fire outside and put the porcupine in it to burn off the quills. Wash and clean well. Cut up and boil until done.

GRIZZLY BEAR STEAKS - Cut up meat as for frying and fry in deep grease in frying pan.

BEAR FAT PASTRY - 1-1/2 cups flour, 1/2 tsp. salt, 1/3 cup bear fat (from a little black bear that was eating berries). Makes rich white pastry.

MUKTUK (meat inside skin and fat of a whale) - After taken from whale leave 2 days hanging up to dry. Cut into 6" x 6" pieces. Cook until tender. Keep in a cool place in a 45-gallon drum of oil, in order to have muktuk all year.

OVEN-ROASTED LYNX - Wash and clean the hind legs of the lynx and roast it with lard and a little water.

BOILED LYNX - Cut up the lynx and boil it until it is soft and well cooked. Good to eat with muktuk.

STEAMED MUSKRAT LEGS - Cut off the muskrat's legs, dip in a bowl of flour with salt, pepper, and other strong seasoning. Put grease into a large frying pan. Put in the muskrat legs. Cover and cook for a long time as they take long to become tender. The strong seasoning takes away the actual taste of the muskrat.

BOILED REINDEER HEAD - Skin and wash the head well. Then chop it in quarters, splitting it between the eyes with an axe. Cover with cold water and boil until soft. One can also roast in an open pan in an oven very slowly.

BOILED REINDEER OR CARIBOU HOOFS - Put hoofs (skin still on them) in a large pot. Cover and boil for a couple of hours. The skin will peel off easily. The muscles are soft and very good to eat. The toe nails also have some soft sweet meat inside them.

BOILED SMOKED BEAVER - Smoke the beaver for a day or so. Cut up the meat and boil it with salted water until done.

FROZEN FISH EGGS - Take fish eggs out and freeze them. They are good to eat like this.

BOILED BONE GREASE - Boil whatever bones are left after all the meat has been cut off. Boil them all in a big pot for two hours. Then let the grease get cold in the pot. It is easy to pick the grease off. Keep the grease to eat with dry meat or add to pounded meat.

BOILED REINDEER TONGUES - Boil tongues until thoroughly cooked. Potatoes and vegetables are good with this.

DRY FISH PUDDING - Pound up 5 to 6 dry fish. Throw away skin. Add sugar, a little grease, and cranberries.

JELLIED MOOSE NOSE - Cut the upper jaw bone of the moose just below the eyes. Boil in a large kettle for 45 minutes. Remove and chill. Pull out all the hairs (like plucking a duck) and wash until none remain. Place nose in a kettle and cover with fresh water. Add onion, garlic, spices, and vinegar. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer until meat is tender. Let cool overnight. When cool, discard the bones a cartilage. You will have white meat from the bulb of the nose and dark meat from the bones and jowls. Slice thinly and alternate layers of white and dark meat in a loaf pan. Let cool until jelly has set. Slice and serve cold.

BAKED SKUNK - Clean, skin, wash. Bake in oven with salt and pepper. Tastes like rabbit (no smell).
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SOURCE: Uncle John's Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader by the Bathroom Reader's Institute. [From the section titled "Jellied Moose Nose", pp. 296-297]. ISBN: 1-59223-270-1

I really wish they had colored pictures of this stuff. The stuffed muskrat actually sounds pretty good...

RONIN'S RECTAL - THE PHYSICAL: PART II

WARNING: DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THIS BLOG...YADA YADA YADA... BLAH BLAH BLAH... [Look at the title. Need I say more?]

On Wednesday, August 23, 2006, sometime between 8:00am - 8:30am, the ScregMan went thru his first rectal...

Anti-climatic, isn't it? No build-up, no foreplay, no beating around the bush, no dancing around the fire. Let's just cut right to the chase. But I look at this way. If you women out there can go through various examinations of your privates with your legs wide open (brazillian waxes included), then I suppose 10-15 seconds of utter discomfort can be endured by the male, especially when health is involved.

You want details? I really can't describe it. I'm at a loss for words. Needless to say it was an odd and unpleasant sensation. I don't think I was breathing. I think I was trembling slightly. What position was I in? HotFudge thought I'd be lying on my side. I thought I'd be bent over the exam bed, supported by my elbows, with my head up. Not quite. Yes, I was bent over, but I was instructed to put my forehead on the bed and spread my bum with my hands. [I'm sure there are various variations of the rectal examination out there.] How degrading. How humiliating.

Was the doctor man or woman? The doctor was a she. Did that make a difference with the embarrassment factor? Did it make the experience more "bearable"? I really don't know. But if I had to answer, perhaps the answer would be a very, very, very, very reluctant "yyyyyeeeeeeessssss". Looking at the situation from a purely logical standpoint, I'd have to ask: "If I MUST have a rectal, do I want a man's finger up my bum?" The answer is a definite "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" So what's left? A female doctor.

I admitted it was my first rectal. She assured me that it takes only about 10 seconds [10 looooooooooong seconds]. She told me she would use a lubricant. She told me what she would do: check the 'ole prostrate, etc., etc. When it was over, she non-chalantly pointed to some napkins and said: "There're some napkins you can use to clean yourself up with."
I think I was panting ever so slightly. Did I mention I don't remember breathing during the "procedure"? And even though I knew my bowels were clean and empty, I had the slightest urge to take a dump.

It seems that feeling of being "violated" stayed with me for a couple of days before slowly subsiding.

If you're still with me, everything else seems fine except for the cholesterol. I have to give up the chicken skin and pork fat. My choice, right? I can listen to the doctor, or I can look forward to going on some pills when I'm about 50. The doctor also recommended some food workshops I could go to. A few days later, Mulysa explained the situation best to me when she placed both her hands approximately four feet apart on a table, her left hand symbolizing the beginning of my life, her right symbolizing the end of my life. Then she said: "It's all a matter of... Do you want your health to start declining here (she motioned more or less towards the center) or here (she motioned more towards the right, towards the end of my life)."

Part 2 of my physical was almost one month ago, and I must say I'm an utter failure in terms of my diet. I remember peeling the skin off some chicken during lunch one day and giving the skin to HotFudge. [HotFudge's cholesterol is excellent. Of course I was moaning and groaning and feeling a sense of loss.] But, I'm already back to my old ways. Will I give up chicken skin? Probably not. Pork fat. Maybe. I fall back on the old argument of: There are people starving out there... how dare I throw away some perfectly good chicken skin. Perhaps it's just going to be a really slow process for me. I am willing to give up french fries. Twice I've been to McDonald's, and only ordered a burger, no fries. Haven't had fried chicken in awhile either. I still can't stand the chicken breast. But I have been eating more oatmeal and more cholesterol reducing cereal.

Oh yeah, the doctor expected my lung capacity to be better than the tests showed since I'm into martial arts. Hmmmmmmmm... I wonder if the fact that I had almost no physical activity during 2005 makes a difference...

HotFudge had been on my ass for the longest time for me to get a physical, and I finally did it. I'm glad I'm in fairly decent shape, given that my life is approximately half over. It's kind of morbid to think in those terms, but it is true.

And so dear reader, whether you're into bacon or biking, chicken breasts or chips, processed or organic, I'd say getting a physical is a good thing. Find out where you stand. Funny thing, though. I kind of already knew what would be "wrong" with me. Perhaps all of us already kind of know what we need to work on. As Mulysa pointed out to me: "Do you want to spend the last 5 years of your life in bed, or the last 1-2?

Personally, I'm gunning for zero...

KIM... I WISH I'D KNOWN HER...

It's been just over 2 weeks since I paid my respects and condolences...

To Kim's family and friends, all I can offer is this:

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I knew Kim as the younger sister of a good friend. And that's it...

Sure... I caught glimpses of her thru the years, and heard snipets of her travels abroad, but that was the extent of my knowledge. It's only after her passing that I found out what an amazing woman she'd grown up to be.

Kim joined the Peace Corps. I wish I'd known her...

I saw pictures of her in a foreign country, in foreign clothes, with foreign friends. I wish I'd known her...

I heard a story about Kim jumping into the middle of some breakdancers. I wish I'd known her...

I heard about her taking a bus trip just to see what's out there. I wish I'd known her...

Through her pictures, her friends, and her family, I got just a glimpse of this wonderful and giving person.

Up until two weeks ago, I had no idea how accomplished Kim was. I wish I did...

I wish I'd known her....